Our life revolved around him and his needs, which in turn gave me a false sense of security. I didn’t want to be labeled “demanding” so I became “Darren’s wife” with one sole purpose…not to have an identity of my own. The girl he really wants is passive, so I shouldn’t get angry or have an opinion about his addiction. To have an opposing opinion means I’m controlling.
The women in pornography do what they’re asked. There are no additions or subtractions to the man’s request. They just passively follow through with no hesitation or questioning. I found myself trying to deny my real feelings and emotions about my husband’s addiction in order to be attractive to him. They were these beautiful, wish-granting beauties and I was the nagging old hag who wanted to talk about the bank account and his “browsing history.” How could I win this battle? I didn’t want to be labeled “controlling” so I enabled him over and over again in order to satisfy my need to feel loved and wanted.
The girl he really wants will do anything, so I better step up my game. To not want to have “his kind” of sex means I’m frigid. The women in pornography have seen it all and done it all. Intimacy and tenderness are not on the menu. Related: 4 Things to Remember About Your Husband’s Porn Problem I felt that I needed to fulfill or at least try anything he asked of me in order for him not to use porn. There were many times where he played into my fear of his addiction being my fault…if we were together more often he wouldn’t have these issues. There were many years where I just willed myself to be with him because I couldn’t stand the guilt of making his addiction return or worsen. I was dying a little each day…he had no idea or capacity to care. I was emotionally vacant, but at least I wasn’t frigid. The girl he really wants only has one dimension, so I should abandon my personal dreams or goals. Wanting to set goals for myself or plan out and pursue a dream of mine means I’m too independent. I had become so enmeshed in what my husband wanted that my dream actually became for him to fulfill all of his dreams. I started realizing that he looked at women in “1D,” so to speak. They had no back-stories, no history, no dreams. None of that interested him, so it seemed silly for me to focus on any of that in my own life. My husband had no need for an independent wife.
My goal was to meet his needs so that he wouldn’t reject or abandon me, which was a core fear for me most of my life. The girl he really wants has long legs, a flat tummy, and enormous breasts…uh oh. Well, I’m a chunky, 5’1” brunette who has to shop in the kids department for jeans. This one is gonna be a problem, right? In true form, I gave it my all. Related: Sex Isn’t the Solution to Your Husband’s Porn Problem Extensions, blonde highlights, nail salons, low cut shirts, diet plans, lipo, push-up bras…the list goes on and on. I tried to satisfy his gourmet tastes, but now I know that porn creates an insatiable appetite that cannot be satisfied. I started realizing that I was just a normal woman who would be too flat, too fat, too old, or too average to compete with the likes of Internet porn. I became tired and defeated, disgusted with my body image and angry toward anyone who was tall, thin, or beautiful. “He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him.
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